He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
