I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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