Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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