I wish I could teleport
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
