i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
