9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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