If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
