dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
