I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
