Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
