I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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