i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
