you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
