Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
