The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
