Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
