the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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