I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
