just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
