Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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