i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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