When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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