Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
