I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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