i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
