In the future we'll all be gay
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
