her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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