I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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