Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
