God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
