I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
