I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
