we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
