Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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