my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
