i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
In America we eat man semen.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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