We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
