I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
