I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
