Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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