Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He felt like a one man threesome
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I need to align my fucking chakras
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
