I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm passing your future prison.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
