I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
