It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
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I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
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I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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