having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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