Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
