I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
