I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
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THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh