You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.