I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.