I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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