Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
