I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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