I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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