Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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