Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
