So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
