first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
