Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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