I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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