FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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