you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
