i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
